New Love

New Love

I want to escape

So I run from you.

Why?

When I should be running to you!

What am I afraid of?

Perhaps it's just I wasn't 

Expecting this.

It's so strange

It's not what I'd planned.

But it's rare

When life goes

According to plan.

I've fallen in love with you.

And I think you love me, too.

But this lack of communication

Between us

Leads me to wonder.

What's going on inside of you?

(November 14, 1998)

Just so you know, this poem is about my husband.  

It has to be because it was written the night we went on our first date.

How cute.

I've Given Up On You

I've Given Up On You

I'd like to speak my thoughts aloud

But, it seems, you will only listen

When I'm on paper.

I still love you.

But I am no longer in love with you.

I've given up the chase.

You ran and I couldn't catch you.

I didn't even come close.

And yes, it hurts.

But life goes on.

I've settled my eyes on another.

Someone who lets me win.

You say women only want money

But it's only green paper.

Rather insignificant if you'd asked me.

You never let me finish making my point.

Disregarding it before I've even begun.

I felt I had to prove I'm more mature than you think.

But I won't do that any more.

I don't need your approval of my maturity.

Simply because I am your younger.

It doesn't matter.

We're all the same age in Heaven anyway.

It's the one place we're finally equals

And you can no longer say

Men are more important than women.

(November 11, 1998)

Happier

Happier

It's true.
When I first met you,
I didn't like you at all.
Knowing who I was
When we'd never met
Threw me for a loop.
Who the hell were you?
And I could tell
Something was fake about your smile.
Honestly, if you'd be you,
You'd be a whole lot happier.

(October 1998)

Before We've Even Begun

Before We've Even Begun

The nightmare of not having you

Is too close within my grasp.

And I blindly reach for you

For I do not want to be near that fear.

Yet you are that terror.

If I lent you my affections

And you cast them aside;

If I gave you my heart 

And you tore it apart;

You'd be just like the last four.

You be just like them.

So don't tell me I'm not afraid.

Don't think I'm not petrified.

Don't imagine I know nothing

Of your pain.

But I'm willing to risk

A heartache.

I don't want to give up

Before we've even begun.

(October 1, 1998)

Pain

Pain

It is useless to love you
Isn't it?
It's useless to try.
Isn't it?

The salty rivers streaming
From my eyes
Are mingling with the hard rain.
I can't dam them tonight.

"You're so beautiful
It hurts to look at you."
And I
Know Pain.

(October 1, 1998)

You

You

As I sit and gaze at the moon tonight

(As I often do),

My thoughts are turning this way and that.

They focus on nothing in particular

Until they fall on you.

A smile traces my lips for just a moment

As I recall your own,

And I swim in the deep blue seas that are your eyes.

The stars reflecting off the surface

Blur my vision for an instant.

You are warm to the touch,

And your laughter lights up a room.

(September 23, 1998)

Fragile Dreams

Fragile Dreams

I have a dream,
And I've had many.
Some have died
Some crushed like eggshells
Others burned out
Like the embers of a campfire
But many are alive.
Several are sick;
Tired of waiting to be a reality.
The only thriving dream
Is not as healthy as it seems.
The dream I have of
Holding you in my arms
And rocking you to sleep at night.

(October 7, 1998)

My Turn

My Turn

"Your time will come."

Words which come to comfort me

As tears flow freely in streams.

I know.

I know.

But it seems so far away.

So close, yet so far away.

When will it be my turn?

When will I get the chance

To say, "I do."

And then, "It's a boy!"

And after that hear the words

"Don't talk to your mother like that."

When is it my turn to love?

(October 7, 1998)

Something So Rare

Something So Rare

My head feels like 

The accident that caused

A major traffic jam

In downtown Manhattan.

And I'm getting this

Claustrophobic urge

To run as

Far away from here

As I possibly can.

One passion keeps me 

From fleeing this life.

He is my only escape;

My solitary dream.

I could go on and on

Raving of his wonderment.

I could continue with

His features - so fine!

I won't bore you with such details.

I cherish his adoration,

Loving glances, sweet billet-doux

We have something

So rare.

(October 5, 1998)

Apparently, I have not put these pages in order.

A Night Out

A Night Out

The night approaches

And the lovers cling tighter to each other.

As the chill settles around them,

Together they hear

Two raincapped shadows pass

And as they huddle in the darkness

They sing to pass the time.

(Spring 1998)

This Strange Emotion

This Strange Emotion

The night I realized I liked you,

Your smile glittered in the moonlight.

And this strange emotion walked in

Intrudingly - without bothering to knock.

Uncharacteristic, spontaneous, and right

I rushed into your arms.

Perhaps I ran too quickly.

But I was captivated by your charms

The day I knew I was in love with you

I cried.

Because of one thing I always knew.

This strange emotion lingered and grew.

Confusion knocked, but didn't bother to wait.

He burst through the with some exciting old news:

You saw me as a child - small and innocent.

I had so much to learn.

But I've seen my share of devils

And then some.

Finally, I though, this time.

The reality sunk in.

Even still,

This strange emotion won't go.

He dines nightly by my side

And we slow dance to the light of the moon.

(October 7, 1998)

First Love

First Love

As I curl up into a ball

The tears splash

On the back of my hand

And stay there.

Yesterday, I was reminded

Of your love

Your arms wrapped so lovingly around me.

You stirred in me passions

I never knew existed.

I know I don't want you back

But the memory is painful.

And I've tried to forget.

Everytime I think I have

Memories come flooding back.

I'm exhausted of your haunting

Will I ever know

How to love again?

Will I ever consign you to oblivion

Then, from nowhere it seems,

The power of these words engulf me

"You never forget your first love

No matter how hard you try."

(October 7, 1998)

Lovable

Lovable

I've been alone my whole life.
I was happy, too.
But suddenly, I feel I need
Somebody to be complete
What is that?

I don't need anybody but myself
I convinced myself of its truth
All those lies - for protection
What else?
But there is one thing I've found.

I need to know I am lovable.

(October 7, 1998)

What Do I Do Now?

What Do I Do Now?

I've always had to love someone.
Infatuously.*
I've always needed to say
I'm going to marry him someday.

So what do I do now?
You were always that one,
But suddenly I know
We're just not meant to be.

What do I do now?
Who will take your place
And fill this empty space in my heart?
What do I do now?

Do I keep on dreaming
Do I keep on hoping
That someday you'll come around?

(Late Summer 1998)

*Yes.  Yes, I did make up a word.  Let's all use it and make it a real thing like "ginormous".

The Cupid's Arrow

This poem is dumb.  I don't like it.  Okay.  Well.  I like parts of it, and some of the words in it.  But I don't like all of it.

The Cupid's Arrow

Thrice has the cupid's arrow struck my heart.

One can't tell if fate had a hand

Or if cupid's got some devious plan

I don't know who to choose

The tall one with a sweet smile

Or the short one with his own style

And then there's the one who seems out of reach

What's a girl to do with herself

When Cupid's taken her heart off the shelf?

(1998)

Lonely

Lonely

Sometimes the world seems black
And you feel as though no one cares.
Sometimes you wonder why
You're the one who's always alone.
You wonder if you'll ever
Find him or her.
But sometimes you don't care.
Sometimes being alone
Is where it's at.
The freedom to be and see
Whoever you want
Is it better this way?

(1998)

HD8/100

HD8/100

Well worn and often played

Recordings of favorite songs

The wheels turn round and round

Making a grating sound

Which is drown out

By the volume of the stereo

Pumping and Pulsing

The speakers vibrate

Bringing emotions of happiness.

(No date - 1998)

Oh, nostalgia.  The mixed tape. :)